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2002-05-05 - 12:22 a.m.

Okay, I admit it. I have been really obsessed with babies lately. I know I write about this a lot, but it seriously does take up a huge chunk of space in my brain. Only part of it is my stepsister's pregnancy. Some of it stems from her wedding, too :).

Basically, I don't know what is going on. I just want to think about babies a lot. I am really digging knitting and crocheting baby clothes. I like reading about people's pregnancy and birth stories on the internet. I love watching "A Baby Story"* on TLC, even when it's not Danny Bonnaduce*. I just like thinking about it. I think about Matt's nephew* all the time, and wondering how he and Matt's sister and brother-in-law are doing as a family.

I think its the family thing. I really do feel pretty isolated out here. I have a brother and sister and mom and a bob that I never see. I have a dad, stepmother, and three stepwitches that I never see. I have tons of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousings that I never see. I have this family that dominated so much of my social and personal life for so long that just aren't a factor, due to distance. And I think that is what I'm really craving. A family of my own.

I know Matt's feelings about family are a little different. He definitely understands familial obligation; its a driving force in the time that we actually spend with his family. He doesn't understand that I feel an obligation to my dad and stepfamily. He thinks that since I don't like them, I shouldn't ever want to see them. And I don't think Matt realizes just how long its been since I've seen my extended family. We see his one aunt that he's close to every time we see his grandparents, which is almost every time we see his parents. It has been a full year since I've seen my dad's parents, and it was almost two years before that. I manage to see my mom's parents once a year, but where I used to have a really close relationship with most of my cousins, I don't anymore. Matt doesn't understand that either, because he's never been that close with his aunts and uncles and cousins except his mom's sister, who has no kids. He doesn't have that many cousins, either. Whereas I have around 20, or something like that. Rachelle (married to Randy with two kids, Avery and Aria), Vanessa (married to Shane with their son Reece), Stephen, Kristen, Katie, Heather, Matthew, Timothy, Jonathan, Zach (and Danny and Melissa). Jimmy, Jeffrey, Robert, Michael, Diann, Kara, Christine, Colleen, and Chelsea.

I just wish that it was easier for me to see family, and easier for Matt to understand why it is so important. Family means something so different to the two of us, and maybe that's why I'm obsessed with babies lately. A baby would mean the same thing to both of us, and maybe help him understand why I feel the need to remain so connected to my family.

With those thoughts in mind, I'm going to pull a monty python...and now for something completely different...

Earlier today I got insanely distracted by Nick, my co-worker. That's Bowling Nick, not Gay Nick (Quarters :)). He was playing 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon with Mark, and then he came up with 6 degrees of Tom Waits*. My job for the day was to get Britney Spears to Tom Waits. I did it, with a little help from my friends*.

Britney duets with Cher on one of her albums (1 degree). Cher's producer is Junior Vasquez (2 degrees) who also has produced/worked with k.d. lang (3 degrees). k.d. lang sang with Elvis Costello and Roy Orbison on the Roy Orbison album (4 degrees). Both Elvis and Roy have performed with Tom Waits (5 d3grees). Not bad, eh?

On a completely unrelated note, people keep saying that Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds is the perfect Transmetropolitan background music. This begs the question - Is Warren Ellis who writes Transmet the same Warren Ellis who plays violin with Nick Cave????

With that mystifying question...I leave you to go answer more email.

PS - Just called Matt...I'm annoyed. Granted, I did say he could see Spiderman without me, but if both he and morgan go tomorrow too, I'll be WICKED pissed. Also, he was at a PARTY. He is still out at 12:20 am. He NEVER wants to go out and stay out with me. And he was in a very perky mood. I bet he was drinking. And, since that's the way this entry seems to be running, he NEVER wants to drink with me. Oooh, I'm angry. If he's all tipsy and wants to have sex, I'm going to say no. Yeah, right. Probably not. He won't want to have sex, and I wouldn't turn him down anyway.

Okay, I'm really done now. Didn't end on the tone I wanted it to, but as I'm discovering, today's motto is:

TOUGH SHIT

 

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