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2002-06-11 - 10:43 p.m.

So, let�s see�where to start today�my best friend from high school, Kelly, is visiting. Best friend from high school is an intersting term. You might make some guesses at what that means. Such as, does it mean a) that she was my best friend in high school, and is visiting now, or b) that she is one of my best friends, and I use high school as a reference to differentiate her from another best friend, or c) that she is the best friend that I still have from my high school years....

I'm not to sure. Much like some other people I've encountered lately, the whole nature of the "best friend" thing is so different when you're "grown up." I don't have a heck of a lot of friends, and I'm unsure of how to categorize any of them. I don't have one person that I tell everything to. This diary and Matt come close, but not all the way. I guess, by extension, that makes people who read this the people I tell the most, but it's hard to say what that even means. With Kelly, there is so much that I don't have to explain...she's been through a lot of my evolution as an adult, and she's evolved too. She didn't become my best friend in high school until my senior year. And then, we both had so many of the same goals; namely, get the shite out of Clifton Park, NY, and all that went along with it. I've only clung to her, my family, and Mr. Christopher Collins. There is a dimension to my personality that most people don't get, because of stuff that shifted my paradigm. I wrote about it in here, a long time ago, and most people forget about it, the few who know. Kelly knows, and like me, can't forget.

Lots of other stuff going on in my head today, too. I took a long bath, which is always dangerous. Me in contact with water, or with the bathroom in general tends to lead to too much introspection. Today I was wondering if I showed my hand too much to someone. (Sorry to be so cryptic...but lately I'm pretty security conscious.) I think, and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, that I can read people pretty well. Which can be dangerous, because I can usually guess something about a person without them actually telling me. And I can sometimes get too familiar, because I forget that people don't realize how much I think I know them. The worst part of this is that I usually know how and why someone is going to lose interest in me, or stop liking me, but not the when. I'm scared that I may have frightened people away...


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