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2002-06-19 - 11:44 p.m.

I'm pretty amused by the various reactions to the entry about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I got two emails from people who said, "Yeah, I remember that I wanted to..."

I am very frustrated by myself lately. I'm angry that I can't seem to summon the will power to watch what I eat and excersize more. I'm upset that I fucked up my online class. I'm mad that I can't curb my impulse spending. I'm annoyed that I'm such a fuckin' slob. Worst of all...I can't figure out where my brain went. Where my soul went. Where that grimy, tough bitch who can read the truth in other people's eyes went.

I used to be able to find the words for things. Visceral is a good word. Guts. Blood. Yucky things that I didn't want to think about were dragged out and dissected.

Maybe it was related to my scary muse, and maybe it was related to the self-mutilation. Maybe it was the pain, maybe it was the cigarettes, maybe it was my innocence - because I was. Innocent. I thought I wasn't. My soul-old eyes would claim that I haven't been innocent since I got my glasses and first saw ugliness. Ugliness of other kids, teachers who refuse to see. But I was innocent. And now...I'm not.

 

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