Get your ow
n diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

2002-08-05 - 11:26 p.m.

So...I finally got my driver's license. I took my driving test this morning, after a quick "crash course" with my driving instructor. I drove his car for the test. I made 2 mistakes; one being that I had a very hard time starting the car. I have no idea why it was so difficult. I've done it several times, in several cars, including that one. I just had a really hard time. The trooper said, "This is not a good start, Jennifer," right before I got it to come on.

"I'm very, very nervous," escaped through gritted teeth and clamped lips.

I also did a 5 point turn instead of a 3 point turn, but since I didn't go on the grass, I guess it doesn't matter. We got back to the registry, I parked really well, and then the trooper stamped my permit and said, "Okay, if you go in there they'll tell you what you need to do to get your license," and just left. It took me a second to realize that meant that I passed. He didn't seem to care one way or the other.

Mr. B, the driving instructor said. "Well, good for you, I don't want to wait with you, so I'm leaving. You can catch a bus home or something."

I felt kinda cheated. Oh well. I waited for 1/2 an hour, got my paper license (the real one comes in 10 days), then realized that I didn't even have my cell phone to call Matt to come pick me up. I had left it at home so that it wouldn't vibrate or ring during my lesson/test. And there were no pay phones on that whole street. I walked down to a hotel, asked them if they knew where any pay phones were, and the nicest thing happened. "If it's a local call, just press 8 first to get out." Wonderful! I called Matt:

"I finally have my license. Can you come pick me up?"

To top everything off...I either have heartburn, or an ulcer. Whatever it tastes like burning.

It was amazing that I made it through my test. I did NOT sleep well last night. I had dreams and dreams and dreams. One was of a former lover. I dreamt that Matt was away for like, 3 months or something. I was sitting in my mom's apartment in NY, and the former lover (we'll call him FL for short - just like Florida) was there. I told him that I thought we should get together for lunch or something and chat. FL laughed at me, and I can't remember exactly if he said what I thought he said...something along the lines of me still wanting him, wanting to have sex with him. I vehemently denied it, and then FL put his hand on my knee...oh god. Just floods of desire. Waves of it. I was shaking with it. FL laughed at me, but when he put his arm around me, he was trembling, too.

We went back to his place. He was giddy. I was laughing about his was not the one I lost my virginity on (bunk bed), but the one that we last slept together on. It was very exciting...a lot of nipping, biting, thrusting, and so on. Very good dream.

I woke up guilty. Very guilty. I've been waking up emotional for days now. On Saturday I woke up traumatized. I dreamt that Matt was in NYC for work, and that he cheated on me. I showed up in NYC for a class or something, I was with Ed and Anthony (go figure that one out, I dare you), and we were going to a planetarium. We got out late, and decided to stay overnight. So I was talking with my sister on my cell, planning to call Matt at his hotel and surprise him with a dinner date in Manhattan. Somehow, my sister was in NYC too...I called her, and she was very angry. She saw Matt at a restaurant with a "tank top girl." (Now, this also means a "woo girl" - those girls who go to hardcore shows and go into the pit...but with their boyfriends who beat up anyone who dares bump into their girlfriends, who are wearing skimpy tank tops, no bra, and jumping up and down shrieking, "woo! woo!" at the band.) I was furious, upset, angry, betrayed. I was trying to plan what I was going to do next. Should I call him and ask him if he wanted to go out, pretending I didn't know, and hear the explanation he made up? Or should I just call him and say, "Do you have something to tell me?" I was striding around the hotel room, freaking out. Trying to decide what to do. Screaming. I woke up freaked out. Heart was pounding in my chest, sweating, upset and scared. I woke Matt up so I could yell at him for something he didn't even do.

Then...Sunday...I dreamt that my mom died, suddenly, while I was away. It was horrible. I had to deal with the funeral, even though I was a wreck inside. I had to take care of my brother and sister. I had to decide what to do...even though all I wanted to do was scream and scream. I woke up trembling and crying. I woke Matt up to tell him, and make him hold me. I called my mom to hear her voice - it was that bad.

I hope that I can sleep tonight. I hope that it is restful. My days are busy enough as it is...I don't need my nights to be emotional rollercoasters, too.


previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!