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2002-09-25 - 12:02 a.m.

I'm feeling very depressed today. Very yucky. Here is a list of things I'm depressed about:

1. I don't have many friends, and hardly any close friends.

I know the whole friends thing has been hashed out recently on LJ a lot, but it's still bugging me. I mean, it is getting very hard for me to maintain friends. I try, but as soon as I stop trying...they just slip away. I still have Kelly, and I feel bad that I haven't called her back. I don't know how to say, "Hi, I didn't call you back because I'm freaking out about life in general, and I don't know how to deal with how much I dislike your boyfriend and the spot he's stuck you in. At least your name isn't on any of the paperwork.

2. My job is sucky and unstable.

It's ironic that I dedicated a whole post to how much I like my job a little while ago. Especially since not only has my job description changed completely, but the company has taken a nosedive too. I was mentioning today that I used to feel pretty secure, because I'm a good worker. I'm not going to be falsely modest...I really am a good worker with a great work ethic. And that has always been enough to keep me in a job. I've never been fired, or laid off. And now, well, good work just might not be enough to keep the job.

3. I'm horrendously fat. Like, wicked fat.

This is a big issue right now. After all that vacationing last week, which involved walking all day, I still ended up weighing in heavy on Monday at my doctor's appointment. I was devestated. Plus, Matt's mom apparently asked Matt if I had a thyroid problem. She also asked me if I was diabetic, and warned me that I was going to die young. That annoyed/depressed me. Sigh. I feel like I eat a more balanced diet then most of the people I know, but I just keep getting fatter. I'm not eating more, in fact, I'm probably eating less, so why do I keep gaining weight? I mean, I know I don't excersize as much as I should, but still...just pisses me off. I have to do something, but I feel like the situation is really really despearate, and I just don't know what to do. I step on the scale, and I cannot believe that number has anything to do with me. It seems like a fucking mythical beast. I refuse to believe it exists, and relates to me.

4. I still haven't finished school, and I'm 23 years old. I know people my age who are working on their Masters' degrees for Christ sake!

Too depressed to even think about how much I've fucked up my schooling. I should have just fucking bit the bullet and finished it when I had a chance. Working full time and going to school is just too depressing. I feel like I will never make any headway. By the time I have a degree, it'll be too fucking late to help me now, when I need to be filling out a resume and creating some kind of life.

5. I don't know what I'm gonna be when I grow up.

I'm having major problems right now. Since my job is so shaky (see #2) and my financial situation is so scary (see #6) I can't guarantee that I'll have this cushy desk job (with loads of free internet access, and some free time to use it) for more than oh, say, 6 more months.

6. My finances blow.

And of course, a week-long vacation in Orlando doesn't help matters any. This is partially related to my "oh-my-god-what-am-i-doing-with-my-life" freakout that has been going on for the past few months.


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