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2002-10-03 - 8:30 p.m.

I'm so amused by the fact that Kevvy K was so thrilled by cooking for himself. He even made a webpage about the simple recipe I gave him. I got it off the back of a box of potato flakes. He wants more recipes now, which is great! I just have to find one...with lots of vegetables...

I'm starting to get that "overwhelmed by life" feeling again. Yesterday I said to Day, "I feel like I've been married for 10 years already, and we're not even married yet." At this point its almost less like he's taking me for granted then us both taking our relationship for granted. We've gotten where we are, and we're afraid to go farther. Or something. Every now and then I try to push him, but I'm also getting tired of it. Hmm, should I try a romantic evening at home that has a 90% chance of failure? Or go out and get drunk with the guys? Should I try to seduce him, or wait until he falls asleep to roll over and masturbate quietly? More and more I find I'm just not making the effort. And that depresses me immensely. But on the other side, we're not fighting anymore. We just sit around, and each do our thing, which can be okay, but still...getting a lot of knitting done is not the same as having a happy, healthy, COMMUNICATIVE relationship.

I also forget that Matt and I are intrinsically different. My default is set to wordy, introspective, daydreaming, forward thinking back ground noise. Matt's default is...asleep. Or playing computer games. On one hand I am completely impressed that he can immerse himself totally in whatever he's doing...but on the other hand, I don't understand that he can't think about 5 different things at once the way I do. Typical conversation:

Scene: In the car, driving to work. We've been silent the whole time.

Me: What are you thinking about? (aside: I know this is a big No-no question, but I'm not fishing for a compliment, I'm genuinely curious)

Him: Nothin'. Just driving.

Me: Oh.

five minutes pass...

Him: So, what are you thinking about?

Me: I was wondering how much longer it will take me to knit that sock, and whether work will be busy, and what Jenn and Peej are doing this weekend, if Luke is still being a good dog, if my brother is having sex at school...

Him: Oh.

Me: And I was also thinking about what I was thinking about in the shower this morning which is should I get my tongue pierced?

Him: No.

Me: Darn!

I had more to say, but I kind of lost steam. I'm trying to stay positive...I love Matt. Whenever I think about life without him, I feel like throwing up. How romantic, eh? But at the same time, something has to change, and soon.


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