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2002-12-18 - 1:33 p.m.

Hoo-wah. I'm a tad depressed today. I need to rant. And it's going to sound silly, but I don't even care anymore. This is my diary, right?

I got a Christmas card from my Dad's family today (for those of you who guessed this was a Dad rant, pat yourselves on the back). It was one of those photo cards. It had my Dad, my stepmother, my two younger stepsisters, and the oldest stepsister with her husband and baby daughter. This made me grin a little, bitterly. Last year Sarah (the oldest) got married and moved out. So when my stepmother decided to take pictures for the Christmas card, she just took a picture of the two youngest, Julie and Amy. Sarah was very upset. My stepmother Linda said to her, "Honey, you're a grown woman. You have your own family now. You sent out cards with wedding pictures on them. You didn't need to be in our picture too." But I guess Sarah won that battle.

Now, Dad and Linda have been married for 10 years, and have been together for about 12, I think. Every year a picture is taken and sent out for Christmas.

Guess how many years my siblings and I have been in those pictures.

Come on, guess.

Zero. Never even asked. And these are the cards they send everyone. With my Dad and Linda's name on them.

I told Anthony this at work, and I almost cried a little. I feel like crying now. I'm just so sad that Dad doesn't try to include me in anything. You know how many times he called me this year? He called me twice. Once to say Happy Birthday, and once to tell me Sarah had the baby. I saw him a few times. Around my birthday, after Sarah had the baby, at my brother's graduation. But all those plans were negotiated through a third party. I didn't actually talk to Dad himself. I sent him a few emails. He didn't really respond. Now, I know he is not a talkative guy, but I've only seen him like 4 times this year! I'm his firstborn! I moved, got a cat, my brother graduated and went to college, my sister broke up with her boyfriend of 3's not like there isn't anything to talk about!

He just doesn't care. He doesn't care enough to try to include me in his life...and that's what's heartbreaking. Most little girls want their daddy to love them and pay attention to them. I'm not an exception to that rule.


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