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2025-04-28 - 12:36 a.m.

Well, the good news is that the test drives went great. No cause for anxiety whatsoever.

The bad news is that there is no way in fucking hell that I can afford the car I want.

The good news is that I had a pretty okay weekend.

The bad news is that I had an anxiety/panic attack this morning and was crying hystercally for an hour. I ended up calling out of work, which was nice, but bad because I can't take any more unscheduled time until July without getting a written warning. Written warnings are bad because if you have one, you can't get a new position in the company for a year, or quarter, or some such. This is particularly bad, because my current position is what caused this morning's crying fit.

Can't get another job until I have a car. Need to stay at current pay level to afford a car. Can't get another job that will pay me as well as this. This job gives me nightmares, heartburn, and anxiety attacks.

I'm such a mess, seriously.

Today I smoked 8 cigarettes (the last of the emergency stash) and ate lots of carbohydrates, and drank one amaretto sour. Now I see what the attraction is (amaretto sours). I so didn't get it before.

I was feeling better, but cataloguing my woes makes me depressed again. I'm also wondering if I don't have some kind of health problem that would explain my complete lack of energy lately. It's probably obesity and anxiety related.........................

I'm giving up. This entry is a failure.

 

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