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2003-06-29 - 10:45 p.m.

haven't been updating lately, i know. not because i have nothing to say, but because i have too much. overwhelmed a lot lately. some of it is planning a wedding, but more of it is emotional - dad issues, as usual. i can't get how he is just completely uninterested in my life. i can't get over the fact that he is so scared of rocking the boat, that he's afraid to be honest with his kids. and i'm having a really hard time forgiving and forgetting the way he treated us as kids, and let us be treated. in a recent email, he said about my stepsisters, "the girls have sharp tongues and thick skins. they can dish it out but they can't take it." and he wants me (and my siblings) to continue to take it, because we can, and not retaliate. ARGH!! i found out about a nasty whispering campaign behind my back, and then he was upset when i tried to bring it out into the open. he was mad at me for mentioning it, then begged me not to bring it up to anyone else.

and he hasn't said a word about my wedding. he said, "congratulations," at the time, but hasn't said anything else. he seems to have no interest. and i need to ask him for money, but i don't know how. i've hinted around it...but i haven't managed to do it yet.

things with work suck, as usual. i'm starting to get antsy, to think about other jobs, but i am so non-assertive...and i don't have a lot of self-confidence right now. i don't have a degree, i don't have a lot of certifications. i know people who work at my job with Master's degrees...and they are working here because they can't get a job anywhere else. in the last few months, three people who left here to get jobs elsewhere came back, because the market is so bad. except they start in a crappy position at a lower pay grade. i really don't want that to be me. and looking for a job right now, since we bought a car and are planning a wedding, i'd have to find a place that pays just as well to keep living at our standard of living. can you think of many jobs where you can make $13/hr with just a high school diploma? i can't.

as usual, just when i was building up steam, work got busy. this entry will have to stand as is, and just feel a tad unfinished.


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